but
I am concerned about your coy tendencies.
I am not interested in negotiating your intentions
from the air between our heads.
I am interested in deflating the air between us
without speaking.
You, me
drowning in mouthfuls of sweat.
I picture your skin, hard and glazed with honey,
like a freshly dipped spoon.
I picture your skin, hard and glazed with honey,
like a freshly dipped spoon.
And I starve for sweetness.
My mouth is salty and parched of sweet sticky things.
I am paralyzed by my thirst.
My mouth is salty and parched of sweet sticky things.
I am paralyzed by my thirst.
and
I haven’t heard a single word you’ve said.
Your voice has become a carefully transposed soundtrack
for the action in my thoughts.
Above-ground conversation
I haven’t heard a single word you’ve said.
Your voice has become a carefully transposed soundtrack
for the action in my thoughts.
Above-ground conversation
overheard while dancing under water.
You are talking about how things are as I hang,
languishing.
Beef on a butcher’s hook.
You are saying something important
as I grow to hate your stupid words.
--Please tell me how you feel-- you say
You are saying something important
as I grow to hate your stupid words.
--Please tell me how you feel-- you say
earnestly
--I am interested in fucking.
--I am interested in fucking.
--
Today.
--
You.
--
Not myself.--
earnestly
2 comments:
Interested is one of my favorite pieces of contemporary writing from an amateur. I think you could do better than "shouting under water," though. And I think you could land it to an ending a little more softly. But the piece is strong. Give it one more revision, Kev.
Hola Erica,
Thanks for leaving your response. I will think about revising... again.. ;) It brings up an interesting question, though: Is the piece destined to be what it is from the begining, or can it actually be improved? I'm inclined to think that its original form is the truest, and thusly the best for what it is... and that changing it may improve its style, but not its truth, or conveying thereof. So we should write stylish, honest work from the begining, or abandon the piece all together... Thanks for posting.
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